Wood Zealot's Workshop

In an amazing development for me, I’ve been blogrolled by “The Schwarz”… That’s right… the man, the myth and the legend of woodworking himself. Do I deserve such an honor? Absolutely Not. Will I take it and perform a happy dance? You bet your sweet @s$. Will I be posting a video of me doing the happy dance? Officially, No, as we do not permit torture in this country. Unofficially, if people do not leave comments on this blog feigning interest such videos may just pop-up and I can’t be held responsible for the resulting trauma.

With this post I’d like to give newcomers to my site who are clicking over from Chris’s sites a proper welcome. Soooo, hi there.. how ya doin? Can I be your friend? Am I moving to fast? Is this coming across as “needy”? Ok, just forget what I’ve said… moving on…

You may be asking yourself why you should read my blog. My suggestion:  stop asking yourself so many questions and just go with the flow for once.  I mean really, what’s with giving yourself the third degree all the time?!? You’ve ended up here and thus it must be destiny that you are to forever read this blog (You’ve always been told that karma was a bitch, but no one ever warned you about destiny did they?) Anyways, what I offer is a significantly warped/skewed view of the world of woodworking and the world in general. I tend to treat all subject matter in double entendre, sexual inyourendo, and general immaturity. I am currently in therapy for this but the prognosis for change is not looking good. Please accept my apologies in advance for this medical condition of which I have no control over.

You may notice that many of my posts are non-woodworking related. This evolved over time as I noticed that it seemed to increasingly annoy my readers, a.k.a. my co-workers, who were expecting and demanding content related to woodworking. While this social experiment has yielded me great personal joy, I promise that I will endeavor to keep material at least tangentially related to woodworking.

As far as what I have to offer in regards to discussions related to practical woodworking… well, ummmm… this is where the plume of smoke would appear as I attempt to flee. A discussion for another time, suffice it to say my first two years in this craft have involved great study and preparation for a life dedicated to this passion. In future posts I’ll elaborate on my rather unconventional beginnings and the rationale behind. If your looking for real woodworking knowledge please see the links in my blogroll. You’re probably already familiar with them, but if not they are must-reads!

Lastly, thanks again to Chris Schwarz. His refreshing perspectives on this age-old craft and witty writing style have been inspiring to me (may appear to be just overt brown-nosing, but is in fact,  unadultered brown-nosing wrapped around genuine sentiment). As I have become more and more engrossed in this new world of woodworking, and even blogging, I’ve sought to model the qualities of several woodworkers out there and Chris would be my “top model” in many respects (although I can’t necessarily speak to how he looks in hosiery so please don’t ask).

So why do those antlers on your wall smell like do-do?

Every once and a while you have one of those moments… a moment that rips you from the normalcy and mundane of everyday life and says “it could all change right here”. I recently had one of these moments…

Friday night I was leaving my workplace and heading home on the local interstate at 1:45am (I work odd hours thanks to serotonin issues). Surrounded in a slight fog I put my car in cruise control at 74 mph and relax for the 20 minute drive home. Nary a car to be seen except in the distance. I shuffle through radio stations… AM stations… to listen to people talk about politics and allow my brain to numb-down to the requisite level for the drive. Rather peaceful drive, and then it happens before I can think…

For some reason I swerve from the middle lane to the right lane and yet my brain has not been so nice as to even inform as to why.  Then with a mental “whoosh” sound, life returned to normal speed and I realized that I had swerved away from a sizable deer jogging directly across the lanes and not using blinkers or proper hoof signaling in any way. I hadn’t even had time to hit the break… the car was still under cruise control at 74mph well after the event.

This deer was by no means small… quite on the large side actually, to where I mostly saw legs from my perspective. To be fair though, it is possible that I may have momentarily, and from a purely instinctual response, assumed the fetal position from which it may have appeared taller. Suffice it to say it was definitely big enough for me to saddle it up and mount it. And I’m not that small a guy… I’m easily big enough for a large chimpanzee to saddle up and mount.

So immediately following this near miss my body is flooded with adrenaline and resulted in two things; one, I had a strong desire to go back and beat the deer down and two, I think it affected my “rational” thought (not my strong suit to begin with) slightly. Replaying the event in mind I had come to the conclusion that it was only my super-human perception and reaction times that permitted me to avoid disaster. It became clear that I could dominate NASCAR if I so desired or perhaps even fight crime from the shadows… as the adrenaline faded, I realized it was more of a luck thing… but I did let out a little whimper of “I’m the king of the world” before the last of the adrenaline was gone.

I hope this potential life-changing moment always stays with me, helping me to appreciate every moment for the profound gift that it is, so that no moment in my life is ever wasted again…. one second… ummm, gonna have to get back to this some other time, “Turner and Hooch” is on TNT again. Ohhh, that Hootch and his slobbering here and there.

As a bachelor woodworker with a day-job, my diet generally consists of what you see in this pic of my freezer after food shopping:

Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner

I recently received some intel claiming that not all food naturally exists in cardboard boxes ready for microwaving. I was further told tales of things called “fruits” and “vegetables”. Long story short, you eat these “fruits” and “vegetables”and you magically become healthier… more energy, smarter, and a longer pen… err, wait I’m getting the claims of this better diet confused with other phallicies.

So, I figure what the heck my gullet has seen worse and decided to find a way to get these substances in to my body in a reasonable way. Hearing that the taste of this stuff is so off-putting I seek supository form. No dice. Googlin around reveals that blending this stuff up into goop form is a good way to sneak this junk into your system. Bingo!

After a run to the food store and acquiring these foods of mass nutrition I start sperimenting.

Day one test: banana, various frozen berries, and some orange sherbert.

Fruit Smoothie Before

Fruit Smoothie Blended

Result: Does not taste completely horrible.

Day two test: banana, various frozen berries, spinach, and water.

Green Smoothie PreBlending

Blended "green" smoothie

"Green" smoothie PRIOR to ingestion

Result: Does taste completely horrible.

Some observations… my body seemed to reject this foreign material as observed by varying levels of cramping and increasing levels of methane output. Out of concern for our world I may have to suspend further experiments with these dangerous materials.

I’ve been on many woodworking blogs where members lament the cost of woodworking tools and in particular the higher quality tools with seemingly disproportionate pricing. Festool and Bridge City Tools are commonly referenced in these posts. I too will admit to participating in the discussions in the past but no longer as I have seen the light! Here is some of the logic that will allow you to easily break-free from such unnecessary financial restraints:

• Reduce/Discontinue saving money for retirement. Honestly, what do you need when you retire? Spend your money now on high quality tools and you’ll have all you need to keep you occupied. Other than that it’s just time for Wheel of Fortune and applesauce any way.
• Do not procreate. I’m sure you’ve read that in it’s entirety it costs upwards of a million dollars per offspring. That’s 1000 Jointmaker Pros!!! Consider return on investment – with fine tools you’ll be able to recoup some of your investment with what you produce; creating a new human rarely yields a significant return (if you do create one may I suggest that you teach it to throw a nasty left-handed curve ball to increase this possibility). Plus you’ll have much more time for woodworking as you reduce the time-drain associated with rearing. Note: this may result in a certain, incalculable emotional void which may further result in reducing your lifespan by approximately 20 years (and thus solving the retirement problem… win/win).

While I do understand that these paradigm shifts are directly away from conventional financial thinking I think it’s the progressive approach. Look, China has already instituted a one-child limitation. If we are going to stay ahead of them we need to do one-better and thus a no-child rule should be in our future.

With regards to not saving for retirement aren’t we just taking the lead from our government? They’ve clearly established the fact that social security is a worthless pursuit. Additionally, our government has begged us to spend more and stimulate the economy. Taking all this into context I believe it is clear what a real American needs to do here… and that is to buy tools, and clearly the more the expensive the tool the better American you are!

This epiphany has allowed me to place an order for a Jointmaker Pro and it can do the same for you!! I’d like to be an even better American and purchase a Festool Domino but Festool pricing (and control over dealers) is beyond obnoxious. Now I’m off to remortgage my home loan to pay for all this… I’m sure I can get one of them sub-prime deals that’s all the rage these days.

Disclaimer: This post is in no way endorsed by The Happy Rock.

****** UPDATE *****

This just in… I’ve officially become a highly-patriotic American by purchasing the Festool Domino… As a result I can proudly adorn a flag pin indicating my well-purchased patriotism.  This purchase was made possible do to the sale of my 3 yr old, Sally. No, No… I’m not selling off small children for tools, although, the thought had crossed my mind. Sally was my 3 yr old Mustang (with only 12K miles on it!)… selling a sweet Mustang to support your woodworking hobby… now, I’d say that’s commitment!!! This Domino better have that new tool smell!!!!!

****** END UPDATE *****

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One of… ummm, I mean, my only redeeming skill is shopping on the web and finding the occasional deal… keep a watch here for such gems…

Boeshield T-9: this is like hand cream for your metal tools… lubricates and protects metals at the same time… great for cast iron tables (followed up by paste wax) and hand planes… a must for anyone interested in restoring tools! Normally costs around $16 for a 12oz can. Get it for $6 here. I posted this deal to Sawmill Creek forum.

Taking out the trash this evening I almost walked into a very well-hung spider web. Silk was flying everywhere as these two spiders were spinning furiously together. The little one was doing all the work, ferrying new silk lines back and forth and handing it off to the bigger one to attach to the main web. Occasionally the big one would belch and scratch it’s belly as it waited for the little one to return. It actually was a pretty cool display of nature to watch… too bad I must kill them now as I am the dominant, alpha, pinnacle species and must exercise my dominance. Oops, just checked and I’m out of Raid… will have to demonstrate my raw, natural fury after a run to Sears.

Sadly, almost walking into this web with it’s rather intimidating occupant will only reinforce my normal reaction to walking into webs, which is to hop in circles while spastically slapping myself.

– Update: Amazon has unceremoniously discontinued their 30 day price protection policy. Bad Amazon! That’s a very BAD AMAZON!!! Monitoring the cart prior to buying is still somewhat useful. –

Tools, tools, tools… just never have enough of them do we? Well don’t get discouraged. You can melt that plastic and not feel so guilty about it if your getting good deals, right?!? As is common for everyone, I have my preferred sites and slightly varied buying strategies for each. Today I’ll share my Amazon strategery and explain why it’s best to keep your cart full.

Amazon is my go to site for everything outside of woodworking and many purchases for woodworking. If nothing else it usually provides a good baseline price along with performing a froogle (I think google calls it “product search” now… I still use the froogle url). If you track products on Amazon you will see that for brief windows of time Amazon will drop prices on items (and significant price drops at that, at times). Beyond these price drops, why is Amazon’s site so special? Well, It’s their cart. They have the one cart to rule them all… (in a golum voice) it’s my precious. I currently have 171 items in my cart so clearly the Amazon cart is bigger than most, right? Ok, maybe not, but here’s why it’s huge in a different sense…

What the cart does for you is it allows you to quickly find price drops on the items your interested in. Amazon’s cart is truly your friend (the one that will actually tell you that your dragging a roll of TP behind you) in that you can add items to it and click the “save for later” button and every time you visit your cart in the future you will be notified of any increase/decrease in price (see pic below I just took… no good drops, but you see the format). Next, just stop by your cart every once and a while and you’ll get a feel for the normal pricing range on a particular product.

Now you’re the jaguar in the Amazon, poised to pounce on that disoriented dingo of a sweet deal when it stumbles by (yes, yes… currently dingos in the Amazon have not been documented… but, you have watched “Lost” right? We weren’t aware of polar bears on tropical islands before this documentary aired. Dharma dingos in the Amazon could happen… and my guess it that they would be significantly disoriented and thus ripe for the pouncing.

So you’ve purchased something on Amazon (great deal or not), what do you do next? You, add that dingo to your cart again and “save it for later”. If that item drops in price in the next thirty days Amazon will credit you the difference without question. A simple email to customer service does the job. I have saved hundreds of dollars this way. So if you see an item that your interested in dropping and dropping don’t worry to much about waiting for the absolute bottom to be reached (especially since you don’t know where that bottom is and it may jump back up). Just snatch it up knowing that your locked in to the lowest price Amazon will sell that item for over the next 30 days that you observe and request a credit for.

This probably sounds like more work than it really is (mostly becuase I keep blabbing nonsense inside of parenthesis). Just have a tab loaded up with your cart and do a refresh every once and a while (if your not using tabbed browsing by now shame on you). When I’m looking to make a purchase I do this regularly, in sync with checking email (I have nothing else to say… just getting one last parenthesis fix (mmmm, nested parenthesis are even more satisying)).

My greatest love involves my girlfriend. She introduced me one day to Oreo Thin Crisps by Nabisco and it was love at first bite. I simply can not get enough of these heavenly treats!

Nabisco please take notice of my unadultered love of your Oreo Thin Crisps. You may also be interested to know that this website has tens of readers. Because I find Oreo Thin Crisps to be the single greatest food product ever made, I am willing to make the following offer. Provide me a one-year supply of Thin Crips (at a rate of two 100 calorie packs per day) and I promise to insert a postive Nabisco Oreo Thin Crisp reference (a.k.a “A Shout Out”) in every Wood Zealot Workshop post for a year!! Plus I will publish a special post illustrating how Oreo Thin crisps can be useful to woodworkers beside their pure tastiness. My sole purpose will be to bring Thin Crisps to the vast, snack-hungry woodworking community. My people are waiting to hear from your people… let’s make this happen!

After dating the girlfriend for the past year I decided it was time to do the ever-so-dreaded (I mean eagerly-anticipated if your reading this sweetie!) introduction of her to my parents. Interestingly enough… while I’m 37 years old, this is the first time I’ve brought someone home to meet my parents (yes, I’ve dated previously and even touched boobies before that). Both my girlfriend and parents demanded this meeting stating that they had essentially done their time and that they had thus earned it. So, that was that… a dinner was planned for this momentous occasion.

Wanting to take control of the situation I prepared a few cue cards for me to display at appropriate times to the appropriate individual. These included the obvious:

• Pretend you found that interesting
• Bad topic… Move on… Nothing to see here
• Choose your words wisely. I have dirt on you too
• LAUGH! That was a joke
• for untenable situations “This bitch is crazy. I don’t know her.”

I ran out of cards as there were others that I wanted on hand such as “Just say that you love me anyway” and “Use your inner voice”. All in all the cue cards went well… I only had to use the “This bitch is crazy. I don’t know her card” card four times or so (I apologize Mom but sometimes that shoe fits).

I’m thinking about extending the cue card notion a bit further to facilitate office interactions:

• I’d rather be watching a monkey drinking it’s own piss on youtube right now
• I know you’d rather be watching a monkey drinking it’s own piss on youtube right now but hear me out
• when you find your point, please poke me with it to wake me up
• causal conversation does nothing for me. I’d rather be planning my next movement
• (boss-man specific) yes, yes… potential… yeah, productivity… whatever… just give me more money and I’ll keep the facade up that I “work” here
• (vending machine specific) you took my mother-f’in money now spin your mother-f’in loop a little further so that my mother-f’in animal crackers will fall
• This bitch is crazy. I don’t know her (it’s demonstrated usefulness can not be understated)

I’ve recently encountered a few situations that have given me pause with the realization of the fact that I’m clearly in an obsessive state with regards to woodworking. I will list some of the signs to look for as a PSA (Public Service Announcement) for others out there to detect this condition:

• spending ridiculous amounts of money on tools (including tools that you are not completely sure are even for woodworking)
• selling all of your furniture to make room for tools. I’ve recently sold my coffee table and living room chair on craigslist and currently have my recliner listed. All that is left is my couch! Dedicated woodworking rooms now include garage, dining room, one bedroom, and part of the kitchen (conveniently enough, a hand plane slices roast beef like butta).
• always having wood on the brain (this is ok if you are a prostitute)
• constantly making childish wood/penis jokes (this just might be me)
• you randomly grab wood and smell it (this is sooo not a penis joke… I’m truly addicted to the sweet smell of my walnut… in fact I would go so far as to say that you haven’t lived until you’ve huffed freshly planed walnut)

I should probably keep this as a “live” list and add to it as these realizations occur. Submissions from family, friends, and therapists welcomed.