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A Dear Moment to Me

November 10th, 2008 2 comments
So why do those antlers on your wall smell like do-do?

So why do those antlers on your wall smell like do-do?

Every once and a while you have one of those moments… a moment that rips you from the normalcy and mundane of everyday life and says “it could all change right here”. I recently had one of these moments…

Friday night I was leaving my workplace and heading home on the local interstate at 1:45am (I work odd hours thanks to serotonin issues). Surrounded in a slight fog I put my car in cruise control at 74 mph and relax for the 20 minute drive home. Nary a car to be seen except in the distance. I shuffle through radio stations… AM stations… to listen to people talk about politics and allow my brain to numb-down to the requisite level for the drive. Rather peaceful drive, and then it happens before I can think…

For some reason I swerve from the middle lane to the right lane and yet my brain has not been so nice as to even inform as to why.  Then with a mental “whoosh” sound, life returned to normal speed and I realized that I had swerved away from a sizable deer jogging directly across the lanes and not using blinkers or proper hoof signaling in any way. I hadn’t even had time to hit the break… the car was still under cruise control at 74mph well after the event.

This deer was by no means small… quite on the large side actually, to where I mostly saw legs from my perspective. To be fair though, it is possible that I may have momentarily, and from a purely instinctual response, assumed the fetal position from which it may have appeared taller. Suffice it to say it was definitely big enough for me to saddle it up and mount it. And I’m not that small a guy… I’m easily big enough for a large chimpanzee to saddle up and mount.

So immediately following this near miss my body is flooded with adrenaline and resulted in two things; one, I had a strong desire to go back and beat the deer down and two, I think it affected my “rational” thought (not my strong suit to begin with) slightly. Replaying the event in mind I had come to the conclusion that it was only my super-human perception and reaction times that permitted me to avoid disaster. It became clear that I could dominate NASCAR if I so desired or perhaps even fight crime from the shadows… as the adrenaline faded, I realized it was more of a luck thing… but I did let out a little whimper of “I’m the king of the world” before the last of the adrenaline was gone.

I hope this potential life-changing moment always stays with me, helping me to appreciate every moment for the profound gift that it is, so that no moment in my life is ever wasted again…. one second… ummm, gonna have to get back to this some other time, “Turner and Hooch” is on TNT again. Ohhh, that Hootch and his slobbering here and there.

They Call them "Fruits" and "Vegetables"

November 3rd, 2008 2 comments

As a bachelor woodworker with a day-job, my diet generally consists of what you see in this pic of my freezer after food shopping:

Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner

Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner

I recently received some intel claiming that not all food naturally exists in cardboard boxes ready for microwaving. I was further told tales of things called “fruits” and “vegetables”. Long story short, you eat these “fruits” and “vegetables”and you magically become healthier… more energy, smarter, and a longer pen… err, wait I’m getting the claims of this better diet confused with other phallicies.

So, I figure what the heck my gullet has seen worse and decided to find a way to get these substances in to my body in a reasonable way. Hearing that the taste of this stuff is so off-putting I seek supository form. No dice. Googlin around reveals that blending this stuff up into goop form is a good way to sneak this junk into your system. Bingo!

After a run to the food store and acquiring these foods of mass nutrition I start sperimenting.

Day one test: banana, various frozen berries, and some orange sherbert.

Fruit Smoothie

Fruit Smoothie Before

Fruit Smoothie Blended

Fruit Smoothie Blended

Result: Does not taste completely horrible.

Day two test: banana, various frozen berries, spinach, and water.

Green Smoothie Pre-Blending

Green Smoothie PreBlending

"Green" smoothie blended

Blended "green" smoothie

Green smoothie PRIOR ingestion

"Green" smoothie PRIOR to ingestion

Result: Does taste completely horrible.

Some observations… my body seemed to reject this foreign material as observed by varying levels of cramping and increasing levels of methane output. Out of concern for our world I may have to suspend further experiments with these dangerous materials.

Have you ever seen something so well-hung?

August 26th, 2008 2 comments

Taking out the trash this evening I almost walked into a very well-hung spider web. Silk was flying everywhere as these two spiders were spinning furiously together. The little one was doing all the work, ferrying new silk lines back and forth and handing it off to the bigger one to attach to the main web. Occasionally the big one would belch and scratch it’s belly as it waited for the little one to return. It actually was a pretty cool display of nature to watch… too bad I must kill them now as I am the dominant, alpha, pinnacle species and must exercise my dominance. Oops, just checked and I’m out of Raid… will have to demonstrate my raw, natural fury after a run to Sears.

Sadly, almost walking into this web with it’s rather intimidating occupant will only reinforce my normal reaction to walking into webs, which is to hop in circles while spastically slapping myself.

My greatest love…

June 28th, 2008 Comments off

My greatest love involves my girlfriend. She introduced me one day to Oreo Thin Crisps by Nabisco and it was love at first bite. I simply can not get enough of these heavenly treats!

My Greatest Love

Nabisco please take notice of my unadultered love of your Oreo Thin Crisps. You may also be interested to know that this website has tens of readers. Because I find Oreo Thin Crisps to be the single greatest food product ever made, I am willing to make the following offer. Provide me a one-year supply of Thin Crips (at a rate of two 100 calorie packs per day) and I promise to insert a postive Nabisco Oreo Thin Crisp reference (a.k.a “A Shout Out”) in every Wood Zealot Workshop post for a year!! Plus I will publish a special post illustrating how Oreo Thin crisps can be useful to woodworkers beside their pure tastiness. My sole purpose will be to bring Thin Crisps to the vast, snack-hungry woodworking community. My people are waiting to hear from your people… let’s make this happen!

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Subtle Social Cues

June 27th, 2008 Comments off

Reader Cue Cards

After dating the girlfriend for the past year I decided it was time to do the ever-so-dreaded (I mean eagerly-anticipated if your reading this sweetie!) introduction of her to my parents. Interestingly enough… while I’m 37 years old, this is the first time I’ve brought someone home to meet my parents (yes, I’ve dated previously and even touched boobies before that). Both my girlfriend and parents demanded this meeting stating that they had essentially done their time and that they had thus earned it. So, that was that… a dinner was planned for this momentous occasion.

Wanting to take control of the situation I prepared a few cue cards for me to display at appropriate times to the appropriate individual. These included the obvious:

  • Pretend you found that interesting
  • Bad topic… Move on… Nothing to see here
  • Choose your words wisely. I have dirt on you too
  • LAUGH! That was a joke
  • for untenable situations “This bitch is crazy. I don’t know her.”

I ran out of cards as there were others that I wanted on hand such as “Just say that you love me anyway” and “Use your inner voice”. All in all the cue cards went well… I only had to use the “This bitch is crazy. I don’t know her card” card four times or so (I apologize Mom but sometimes that shoe fits).

I’m thinking about extending the cue card notion a bit further to facilitate office interactions:

  • I’d rather be watching a monkey drinking it’s own piss on youtube right now
  • I know you’d rather be watching a monkey drinking it’s own piss on youtube right now but hear me out
  • when you find your point, please poke me with it to wake me up
  • causal conversation does nothing for me. I’d rather be planning my next movement
  • (boss-man specific) yes, yes… potential… yeah, productivity… whatever… just give me more money and I’ll keep the facade up that I “work” here
  • (vending machine specific) you took my mother-f’in money now spin your mother-f’in loop a little further so that my mother-f’in animal crackers will fall
  • This bitch is crazy. I don’t know her (it’s demonstrated usefulness can not be understated)

When you know you're commited (or perhaps need to be).

June 23rd, 2008 2 comments

I’ve recently encountered a few situations that have given me pause with the realization of the fact that I’m clearly in an obsessive state with regards to woodworking. I will list some of the signs to look for as a PSA (Public Service Announcement) for others out there to detect this condition:

  • spending ridiculous amounts of money on tools (including tools that you are not completely sure are even for woodworking)
  • selling all of your furniture to make room for tools. I’ve recently sold my coffee table and living room chair on craigslist and currently have my recliner listed. All that is left is my couch! Dedicated woodworking rooms now include garage, dining room, one bedroom, and part of the kitchen (conveniently enough, a hand plane slices roast beef like butta).
  • always having wood on the brain (this is ok if you are a prostitute)
  • constantly making childish wood/penis jokes (this just might be me)
  • you randomly grab wood and smell it (this is sooo not a penis joke… I’m truly addicted to the sweet smell of my walnut… in fact I would go so far as to say that you haven’t lived until you’ve huffed freshly planed walnut)

I should probably keep this as a “live” list and add to it as these realizations occur. Submissions from family, friends, and therapists welcomed.

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