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Bending Over: The Untold Story…

January 14th, 2011

It was a cold and snowy winter day long ago in Jersey and all was quiet. Actually, It was yesterday and kind of loud as snow plows grumbled through town (I’ll just stick to the facts going forward). Late in the day, I was engrossed in deep thought (code for being on the toilet) when I was struck by a realization (more of a realization splash-back if you will… and you probably won’t).

After an afternoon of shoveling, one thought had been frozen in my mind and that was that I am not a big fan of bending over (save metaphorically of course). This realization thrust me into a reflective mood where I relived one such bending-over battle of the past, against a very game shop vac. Would I prevail? Would the shop vac break me? (Spoiler alert: “yes” and “a little”)

I’m sure there are others out there like me… When faced with a bending over proposition such as picking up dropped money, petting a beloved animal, or washing our feet, we pause to perform the cost/benefit analysis.

Oftentimes we are able to talk ourselves down with rational logic… What’s money good for anyway? My pet already gets food; does he really need affection as well? I’m not dating at the moment; feet washing would seem to be completely optional. Plus, if we think creatively we find work-arounds… if I “pet” my dog with my feet, he will get his needy affection AND he very well may be inclined to lick my feet clean.

Over time I’ve noticed a correlation between my happiness, or lack-thereof, and the number of times I bend over on any particular day (numbers furnished upon request). One of the greatest offenders of making me bend over was my shop vac. Anytime I wanted to remove chips from my bench top I had been forced to assume the position in order to reach the “on” button (artist renderings furnished upon request).

My initial attempt at circumventing my shop vac’s sadistic demands was to employ an X10 remote. X10 is a system that uses an RF remote to send a radio signal to a receiver plugged into an outlet. The receiver then sends an electrical signal over your home wiring coded to a another unit plugged in elsewhere. And *Poof* my shop vac would turn on and once again make my dog question whether I am a God (I would stare at him intensely at the same time to sell it even further). Basically, the X10 system is like the clapper for those too lazy to clap.

Sadly, as if the universe sensed my undeserved joy of remaining fully erect while turning my vac on and off, the system failed. I pressed on and off on the remote perhaps forty to fifty times and nothing (I felt doing it more than fifty times would be pointless). I then spent an hour or two attempting to figure out if it was the remote, transceiver, receiver, or vac.

Throughout that down time I thought about just plugging in the vac and turning it on. A simple, quick, and easy way to allow me address the shavings that lay on the bench in full taunt (suck it word nerds… I just evolved your language). But I knew that was a slippery slope back towards bent-over resignation.

Eventually I determined that it was the transceiver module that had crapped-out. Replaced with a new unit I was back in action… for, a couple days… before the universe intervened once again in exactly the same fashion. It became obvious that the electrons at my home were hell-bent on making me hell-bent (over).

I’m known to McGyver my way around a situation and worked out a new solution. I attached a power strip to the back edge of my bench using Xtreme Velcro (actually it’s just industrial Velcro… until they get wind of my genius rebranding idea). By simply reaching over my bench I can flip on the strip and thus the shop vac. I could also reach-around the end of my bench to get things going but that just seems gratuitous to discuss at this point.

And before I can be accused of wastefully filling shop vac bags with fluffy shavings let it be known that this is NOT the case as they are prefiltered out with the Dust Deputy (I would have used the Dust Sheriff but I shot it). There’s that and I just wrote a post on bending over, soooooo… oh, and as a matter of fact, you just read a post on bending over, sooooo… we both have bigger issues.

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  1. January 14th, 2011 at 09:18 | #1

    Pure genius, Sr. Wood Z! Thanks for the foot washing idea. I have three dogs and should be able to forgo any hygiene for days, now that I know the secret.

  2. Employed Neighbor
    January 16th, 2011 at 18:38 | #2

    “Fully erect” – heh, heh.

  3. Dave K.
    January 17th, 2011 at 23:54 | #3

    Oh, Lord, oh Jesus, (or whoever you may wish to implore in these situations…) haven’t you ever heard of a swizzle stick? You could be as cool as Patton, poking the buttons on your Shop-Vac, and never, ever have to bend over. See? Patton never bent over for Eisenhower, and Big Two got won, you think shavings are tougher than the Wehrmacht? Can you tell I only comment on posts when beer is involved? THINK, man, think!

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