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Buying tools for both you and America!

September 8th, 2008



I’ve been on many woodworking blogs where members lament the cost of woodworking tools and in particular the higher quality tools with seemingly disproportionate pricing. Festool and Bridge City Tools are commonly referenced in these posts. I too will admit to participating in the discussions in the past but no longer as I have seen the light! Here is some of the logic that will allow you to easily break-free from such unnecessary financial restraints:

  • Reduce/Discontinue saving money for retirement. Honestly, what do you need when you retire? Spend your money now on high quality tools and you’ll have all you need to keep you occupied. Other than that it’s just time for Wheel of Fortune and applesauce any way.
  • Do not procreate. I’m sure you’ve read that in it’s entirety it costs upwards of a million dollars per offspring. That’s 1000 Jointmaker Pros!!! Consider return on investment – with fine tools you’ll be able to recoup some of your investment with what you produce; creating a new human rarely yields a significant return (if you do create one may I suggest that you teach it to throw a nasty left-handed curve ball to increase this possibility). Plus you’ll have much more time for woodworking as you reduce the time-drain associated with rearing. Note: this may result in a certain, incalculable emotional void which may further result in reducing your lifespan by approximately 20 years (and thus solving the retirement problem… win/win).

While I do understand that these paradigm shifts are directly away from conventional financial thinking I think it’s the progressive approach. Look, China has already instituted a one-child limitation. If we are going to stay ahead of them we need to do one-better and thus a no-child rule should be in our future.

With regards to not saving for retirement aren’t we just taking the lead from our government? They’ve clearly established the fact that social security is a worthless pursuit. Additionally, our government has begged us to spend more and stimulate the economy. Taking all this into context I believe it is clear what a real American needs to do here… and that is to buy tools, and clearly the more the expensive the tool the better American you are!

This epiphany has allowed me to place an order for a Jointmaker Pro and it can do the same for you!! I’d like to be an even better American and purchase a Festool Domino but Festool pricing (and control over dealers) is beyond obnoxious. Now I’m off to remortgage my home loan to pay for all this… I’m sure I can get one of them sub-prime deals that’s all the rage these days.

Disclaimer: This post is in no way endorsed by The Happy Rock.

****** UPDATE *****

This just in… I’ve officially become a highly-patriotic American by purchasing the Festool Domino… As a result I can proudly adorn a flag pin indicating my well-purchased patriotism.  This purchase was made possible do to the sale of my 3 yr old, Sally. No, No… I’m not selling off small children for tools, although, the thought had crossed my mind. Sally was my 3 yr old Mustang (with only 12K miles on it!)… selling a sweet Mustang to support your woodworking hobby… now, I’d say that’s commitment!!! This Domino better have that new tool smell!!!!!

Gone but not forgotten

****** END UPDATE *****

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  1. Frank
    September 19th, 2008 at 14:16 | #1

    I’m sorry that you are having to sell your very cool car. I can relate completely; a majority of my spare funds goes into woodworking. In fact, I have a second job just to help support my addiction, I mean hobby. :o)

  2. February 4th, 2009 at 21:01 | #2

    Hey W.Z.,

    This is funny stuff, keep it up!

    I wrote a less entertaining post on the subject here:

    But I like your reasoning better! I’ll reread it whenever I’m considering buying tools.

    On a serious note, thank you for your service in the Navy.

    Excuse me while I get my credit card.


  3. Ant Lees
    February 23rd, 2009 at 17:52 | #3

    Hi, great blog, I drifted over here from LostArt Press, and I’ve been laughing ever since.

    Not being American, I don’t really have the same patriotic compulsion – and if I limited myself to only buying tools made in New Zealand I’d be working wood with razor blades – but your logic is excellent.

    I do think that Festool is a German company though, and the tools are manufactured there. I may be wrong.

    Keep up the great blog. It’s great to laugh out loud and read about woodworking at the same time.


  4. July 7th, 2011 at 23:07 | #4

    Great web site. Very informative and a good read. Keep up the good work.

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