Wood Zealot's Workshop

After dating the girlfriend for the past year I decided it was time to do the ever-so-dreaded (I mean eagerly-anticipated if your reading this sweetie!) introduction of her to my parents. Interestingly enough… while I’m 37 years old, this is the first time I’ve brought someone home to meet my parents (yes, I’ve dated previously and even touched boobies before that). Both my girlfriend and parents demanded this meeting stating that they had essentially done their time and that they had thus earned it. So, that was that… a dinner was planned for this momentous occasion.

Wanting to take control of the situation I prepared a few cue cards for me to display at appropriate times to the appropriate individual. These included the obvious:

• Pretend you found that interesting
• Bad topic… Move on… Nothing to see here
• Choose your words wisely. I have dirt on you too
• LAUGH! That was a joke
• for untenable situations “This bitch is crazy. I don’t know her.”

I ran out of cards as there were others that I wanted on hand such as “Just say that you love me anyway” and “Use your inner voice”. All in all the cue cards went well… I only had to use the “This bitch is crazy. I don’t know her card” card four times or so (I apologize Mom but sometimes that shoe fits).

I’m thinking about extending the cue card notion a bit further to facilitate office interactions:

• I’d rather be watching a monkey drinking it’s own piss on youtube right now
• I know you’d rather be watching a monkey drinking it’s own piss on youtube right now but hear me out
• when you find your point, please poke me with it to wake me up
• causal conversation does nothing for me. I’d rather be planning my next movement
• (boss-man specific) yes, yes… potential… yeah, productivity… whatever… just give me more money and I’ll keep the facade up that I “work” here
• (vending machine specific) you took my mother-f’in money now spin your mother-f’in loop a little further so that my mother-f’in animal crackers will fall
• This bitch is crazy. I don’t know her (it’s demonstrated usefulness can not be understated)